A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”