I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this