My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.