My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP