*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
When someone says they haven鈥檛 seen the end of a show yet, you鈥檙e obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
酶: yes
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.