WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
worst…sale…ever
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”