The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Just this preview of the story is enough
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.