Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it