Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
You Might Also Like
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Last-minute gift idea!
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I hate my earbuds.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do