Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Breaking news:
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!