ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.