You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Print is alive and well!!!
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.