I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”