ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
this was the best i’ve ever seen
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona