companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
guilty
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.