ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods