Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.