when nothing goes right… go left
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs