Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Two types of dogs.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing