U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.