I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Always the camel, never the toe.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*