When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
When you kidnap a writer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Oops
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.