Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses