[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
What number SPF blocks people?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Tell the colonel to bring it
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭