HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
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My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“