Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic