Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral