my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
me 2 months after i graduated
for all #parents out there
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address