Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
buying dead houseplants to save time
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.