Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now