Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Succinctly put.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know