Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good