Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.