Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Just say no

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Hamburger Hinderer.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

my astrological sign is a french fry

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out