how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running