Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You Might Also Like
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.