I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Love is always patient and kind.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws