Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?