8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you