“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.