Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening