Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Meow?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*