[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I missed you with all my darts
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.