The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?