God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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According to math, I’m broke
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
no one likes gloating