By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.