4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*pronounces fake like saké*
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.