Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled