*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I missed you with all my darts
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.