United Steaks of America
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.